As many of you will know, JJ has been working on the Music From Planet Marsh album for many months now (some would even say 'years') and people are constantly asking why the cd has not, as yet, been released.  Here is an explanation which we hope will go some way towards explaining the delay.

It has always been JJ's intention to launch Music From Planet Marsh as more than just a traditional album, and he wants the presentation and packaging to be as ground-breaking as the music itself.

As part of this exceptional presentation, the cds themselves will be made of discs that glow in the dark. Not only will this enhance the mood of the music, but it is also eco-friendly because it saves you having to switch the light on to find the cd at night - particularly useful in the northern Scandinavian areas during the winter months.

The main reason for the delay is that the phosphorescent metal which these discs will be made from is extremely rare - its only source is a small difficult-to-reach area of the earth's crust which is deep below the surface of an underground lake, the location of which is so secret that the divers who will be mining this precious mineral are made to wear blindfolds and are spun round three times before being handed their underwater drilling equipment. When the exact quantity of this elusive mineral has been collected, it will be delivered under armed guard to the disc-factory, where each disc is individually shaped by hand, with a precision and expertise that you normally only expect from Cuban nuns.

The drawback of these glow-in-the-dark discs is that when they are exposed to the air for more than half an hour, they lose a bit of their lustre. But if you soak them overnight in Jack Daniels, the glow returns. Don't ask how we know this. We just do.

Another aspect of the superior presentation of the Planet Marsh album is, of course, the sleevenotes. Ordinary paper has a tendency to bio-degrade when packaged next to phosphorescent metal, so JJ has been working round the clock with a team of government scientists to develop a paper-substitute that is made entirely from the same ingredients as lasagne, but in slightly different proportions and rolled out much much thinner. These lasagne-like sheets are then baked in huge industrial kilns which have to be left for seventeen years to cool down before the finished product can be removed - and you should see the oven-gloves they have to use!

This 'paper' is then printed using a specially developed 3-D ink which has wibbly-wobbly molecules, similar to the ink which those Magic Eye pictures are printed with.

Once this has been done, the sheets are cut to fit inside the jewel-cases (which you would expect to find are made out of real jewels, but no, they're plastic the same as normal ones, and will crack the minute you try to take the shrink-wrap off - again, the same as normal ones).

But with such precise specifications for the discs, the paper and the ink, it is no wonder there has been a delay in getting this project off the ground. Added to which, in the last few days we have discovered that record company spies are snooping around, trying to steal the secret formula and make it commercially available for inferior bands who are putting out inferior music.

So, in the best interests of you, the fans, yesterday morning JJ took the decision to shred the 30-page document that the formula is written on, and after shredding it he decided that the only way to safely dispose of it was to eat it. He ate about 10 pages of shredded product for breakfast, washed down with a cup of coffee, and chomped his way through another 10 pages at lunchtime, and then during the evening our hero worked his way through the last remaining pages, and as I'm sure you can imagine, it took a fair amount of beer to help it all down.

So... over the next few days we will just have to sit and wait - whilst JJ also sits and waits - for the formula to errrrr... to see the light of day once again. And the good news is.... as soon as JJ gets his shiiit together, the album will at last go into production. Don't ya just love a story with a happy ending!